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[[SPECIALMESSAGE]] The Last Temptation Of Mister Bachelor Posted: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 10 Hours 36 Minutes 22 Seconds Ante Meridian Well, this story is a little late but this is the story of how Mister Bachelor died. Died. Miste Bachelor was declared brian dead earlier this year but seriously, he's dead now. For those of you who are friends of mine on Facebook or Twitter already know I got married to Obi-Wife on a yacht on the Gulf of Mexico. It was a great ceremony with 22 of our closest friends from all over the US. I was touched that they would fly that far to be with us. There were plenty of frayed nerves, some drunkenness and fun times but absolutely no drama the whole weekend. None. The night before I got married I booked a room at a 4 star resort on the coast. I thought to myself, its gonna be a party. Nah. Not really. Ok, yes I did. I had a few thoughts and executed none of them even after I was plowed with women at my bachelor party. " What it was however, was my fortress of solitude I enjoyed after being out with my friends and in-laws for what was an excellent bachelor party when it was over at 3AM I rolled full throttle through a phalanx of police toward the coast and some peace. I passed out. 9:00 AM "T-Minus 3 Hours, get your butt up!" Who the hell wants to leave Paradise? Some hot Mexican broad was at my door with breakfast anyway. 9:15 AM Obi Wife calls in a tizzy. "I need the truck so the flowers can get down to the yacht" I called Colonel Hippie trying to figure out whats up. "Colonel, we have an issue. No other vehicle in the universe, besides my truck is capable of transporting the flowers 1000 feet to the boat." 10:30 AM I leave the hotel on the beach and head inland facing another phalanx of police officers on either side of the highway. I set the cruise control and decide to be patient. I forgot to shave. Dammit! I didnt have deodorant. Dammit! I didnt brush my curly locks. Dammit! I am running out of gas. Dammit! That was alot of Dammits.. Then the phone starts ringing. A couple of my friends wished me luck, all of them asking me if I am nervous. I tell them no. I am more worried about running out of gas and being late than anything else. I found a convenience store about 5 miles from the resort where Obi-Wife and the yacht are. I freshened up and brushed my hair. I am ready now. I am no longer going to be funky and lets face it, it was humid as hell outside. 11:20 AM Dead Man Walking I arrive at the hotel. Everyone is waiting for me. Obi-Wife is already on the yacht sequestered. After meeting Darth Gatwick, my father in law and Jim-bostar my best man, we get in a van to take us to the dock. We start walking and as we approach the boat, reality begins to set in as to what is about to happen. All you could hear was our footsteps as my Texas style square toed shoes hit each board. "Dead Man Walking" I said as we approached the boat. My friend Mr Basehead was already on the boat taking pictures. We are directed to the upper deck. The music is already playing. I forgot to print my vows. All I had was an e-mail on my HTC-Touch Pro2 from the chaplain that contained the wedding ceremony and included our vows. I switched batteries in my phone, brought up Outlook and retrieved the e-mail. I then handed the phone to Jim-bostar who already had all the rings on his fingers already. "My vows are on the phone, dont let it scroll." The boat lurches foreword as it backs out from port and starts on its way, the diesel quietly humming in the background, the music starts and my bride is on her way up the stairs with Darth Gatwick in front of her and the chaplain in tow. The stage is set, she takes the mic, our friends and family is watching. " Obi-Wife has her vows printed. The Chaplain hands her a piece of paper and she reads them. When its time for me to read mine, I look to Jim-bostar and he hands me my phone. I rolled my eyes as I scrolled the e-mail to the spot where my vows were and read them off of my cell phone. Thank you Microsoft. For what seemed like hours she droned on about marriage, blah blah blah blah... and then, the engine abruptly stopped. We exchange rings, when I have to give her the ring, Jim-bostar gives me the half with the baguettes on it, not the half with the rock. " Crap! Now I look like an idot because she only has half the ring, and that half has a few measly baguettes. A few seconds later, we were announced as man and wife. I kissed my beautiful bride, the engines started, the music stated, it was all good. The women inspected the ring, we cut the cake, we took billions of pictures, billions. Everyone was happy for us. I gave a huge toast to Lord Gatwick my new father in law, it was really one of the best days of my life, outside of the blood, guts and gore that was my daughters birth. There was plenty of laughter, ball busting and well wishes from everyone as we departed a few hours later. Not a single instance of drama, as it has always been with her and her family, as well as mine. None. This is what I signed up for, and I got it. I would say my new life begins now, but really it started about 2 years ago when Obi-Wife moved in and made my teeny tiny itsy bitsy cottage in the country a home. Mister Bachelor Survived by Frank-Z Leave/Read Comments |